Rescue yourself
Forgive me.
I’ve been in my madness and joy all day.
In chaos and stress and finding my old writing and listening to spiritual teachings that make me weep as tenderly now as they did when I first heard them, when I really needed them when they were what I survived on.
These lessons and openings to the doors within myself became my practice, my art, my offering, and, my surrender, as I adopted alchemy as my religion even though I doubted nothing good would come of the devastation I was swirling in from losing him.
I literally changed as a person.
Both from everything I lost and the new path I found.
I wish for you the same stripping down and rebirthing.
I wish for you to lose yourself and find a better, deeper, more honest and more alive version of yourself.
A version of yourself that has always been there, secretly hoping to be found.
Let this time crack you open so ruthlessly that nothing unhelpful will remain.
Surrender.
Deeply surrender.
Surrender to your self and the lessons you are being taught.
Learn them.
Allow them, be guided by them.
Trust in your ability to lose your mind and come back to earth through your heart.
Go there.
Go there again.
I know you want to scrawl and scamper and hang on by the skin of your teeth and the white of your knuckles.
It’s all you’ll have to cling to your sanity, but it’s all you’ll need.
There’s no need to hang on at all, but that’s too scary for you to know.
Hang on to what? Ask your self.
But if hanging onto the threads of your sanity make it safe enough for you to let go of everything else, so be it.
Trust that nothing real will be lost and nothing lost will be needed.
This is the journey of finding that part of you that will rise to rescue yourself.
Take her down the dark well and find the desperate part of your self there, struggling to stay above water, lost in her darkness and her thrashing resistance of being without her life as she has built it.
Sit with her there, in the wet darkness, until your dark self pleads and promises to whatever God will listen that she’ll surrender, finally.
Watch your dark self agree to let go of her life, so long as a God will get her out of this mental hell.
And when she makes that plea, and you’re ready to release all you have known, there, the sister to your dark, desperation is born.
Here you will find your rescuing self.
The rescuing sister within yourself reaches in and grabs your desperate, neurotic self by the scruff and yanks her up, heavy and soaking out of the well.
On the open soil, she can breathe fully again, taking in life in her lungs at a capacity she has never known before.
Leave her there, panting on the solid earth, until she realises she has been rescued by her own self, not a God.
She’s been rescued by a part of her self that can only be born when you’ve flung yourself deep into your own well of neurosis and decided you don’t want to stay there.
Your rescuing self is all you will ever need again.
Lose everything of your life, to be left with rescuing self.
And then,
only then,
will your burst into the world, fully and weightlessly and ruthlessly.
