Vaginismus and Painful Sex support with Psychologist & Sexologist Jen Vellios
Article by Registered Psychologist & Sexologist Jen Vellios,
Gabriella de Mori & Co Counselling.
What is Vaginismus and Painful sex?
Vaginismus is a condition that affects many individuals, yet it remains misunderstood and often shrouded in silence. It refers to the involuntary tightening or spasming of the vaginal muscles, making penetration painful or impossible. This can occur during sexual activity, the insertion of tampons, or even during gynaecological exams. The experience of vaginismus can lead to significant emotional distress, impacting self-esteem, relationships, and overall quality of life.
Common Experiences of Vaginismus
Living with vaginismus can be a challenging experience, but it’s important to know that you are not alone and that this condition is more common than many realise. It’s natural to feel confusion, frustration, or even a sense of isolation, but vaginismus is not a reflection of being ‘broken’ or flawed. The pain can range from mild discomfort to more intense sensations, and attempts at penetration may trigger an automatic and uncontrollable muscular response.
This response is your body’s way of protecting you, even though it may feel frustrating. Unfortunately, it’s also common for women to feel dismissed by GPs or healthcare providers, which can add to the difficulty of seeking help. But vaginismus is a treatable condition, and with the right support, you can break free from the cycle of fear and tension, reconnect with your body, and move toward a more comfortable and fulfilling experience of intimacy.
Causes and Contributing Factors
Vaginismus can be linked to both psychological and physical factors. Traumatic experiences, such as sexual assault or a history of painful medical procedures, can contribute to its development. Emotional factors like anxiety, fear of pain, or negative beliefs around sexuality also play a significant role. In some cases, physical conditions such as pelvic inflammatory disease, endometriosis, or hormonal changes can be contributing factors.
Techniques for Treatment
Treating vaginismus involves a holistic and compassionate approach that integrates both physical and psychological methods. Some of the techniques that you can expect to see in sex therapy are:
Creating Safety: Establishing a safe and non-judgmental space to explore your experiences and emotions. Please know that therapy happens at YOUR pace.
Education about Arousal and the Body: Learning about the body’s arousal system, to enhance knowledge, reduce fear and increase understanding and capacity for pleasure.
Exploring Personal Narratives: Helping unpack personal stories or beliefs that may contribute to the condition.
Addressing Catastrophic Thoughts and the Fear-Pain Cycle: Identifying and challenging negative thought patterns to break the cycle of fear and pain.
Exploring Ways to Increase Arousal: Working on techniques and practices that can enhance comfort and readiness.
Collaboration with Physiotherapists: Coordinating care with a pelvic floor physiotherapist as needed to support muscle relaxation and physical progress.
Breathwork and Relaxation Techniques: Incorporating deep breathing exercises, progressive muscle relaxation, and mindfulness practices to reduce overall muscle tension.
Education and Communication Strategies: Learning how to communicate openly with partners to foster emotional support and understanding.
Addressing vaginismus is a journey that requires patience, understanding, and a multifaceted approach. You don’t have to go through this alone. If you’re ready to take the first step towards healing, consider booking an appointment to explore your treatment options and receive the compassionate care you deserve.
What would counselling for Vaginismus involve?
When we work together to address sexual pain, one of the first things you’ll notice is that we’ll focus on helping you understand your body and how sexual function works. Sexual pain often involves a combination of physical, emotional, and relational factors, so getting clarity around what’s contributing to your experience is an important step. This understanding helps you feel more in control and gives us a clear direction for managing and reducing the pain.
We’ll also explore ways to improve communication with your partner if that’s relevant for you. Sexual pain can sometimes make intimacy feel difficult or create tension in relationships. Together, we can work on helping you express your needs, set boundaries, and share your experience in a way that feels safe and supportive. This can often lead to a deeper connection and understanding between you and your partner.
A big part of our work will focus on reducing your symptoms and learning how to manage them. This might involve practical strategies like relaxation techniques, exploring gentle ways to reconnect with your body, or addressing any underlying stress, anxiety, or past trauma that might be playing a role. The aim is to help you feel more comfortable in your body and to have tools you can rely on if symptoms arise.
Ultimately, I want to help you rediscover ways to enjoy a fulfilling and satisfying sex life. This might mean finding new ways to connect with your partner, redefining intimacy, or building confidence in your ability to experience pleasure. It’s important to know that you can still have a positive and connected sexual relationship even as we navigate the challenges together.
My Experience & Education
I’m deeply passionate about working in this area because so much of society’s messaging around sexual pleasure for women has been misinformed, dismissive, or even harmful. Women are often taught to prioritise others' needs over their own or to view their sexual experiences through the lens of shame or silence, which can make speaking about sexual pain incredibly difficult. On top of that, the medical field can often be dismissive of women’s experiences of sexual pain, leaving many feeling invalidated or without real solutions. My thesis focused on women’s experiences of sexual pain, and through that work, I gained a deeper understanding of how complex and personal this issue is. I believe every woman deserves to feel heard and supported, to feel empowered in her body, to experience pleasure, and to have the tools to navigate challenges like sexual pain in a way that feels affirming and compassionate.
Work with Jen Vellios through compassion-focused psychology & sexology.
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We would love to hear from you and support you in a compassionate, confidential, and experienced space.
