How your family of origin influences your current relationship triggers.
I've been a couples therapist for years now, and it's some of my favourite work. Today I want to share a powerful perspective on those repetitive fights you have in your relationships (and these apply for romantic and all other relationships too).
Often, I have couples come to work with me who are having the SAME ARGUMENTS over and over and over again. It's like a song that plays on repeat, over and over.
You may think it's all your partner's fault, and if ONLY they would just do these things, you would be happy.
You have unmet needs and expectations and it causes you intense frustration and disappointment.
I'd like to invite you today to 'zoom out' on your arguments in your current relationship and consider that you've had many unmet needs and disappointments in your life, even from your childhood.
Yes, what if the argument you're having about taking out the trash is actually about your childhood?
You see, the family that you grew up in are incredibly important for your modelling of how to do relationships, and it subconsciously influences how you show up now as an adult, even if you hate the thought of that!
Our family models to us:
Our fighting styles and how to engage in conflict.
How to communicate about the hard stuff and celebrate the good stuff.
Expressions of affection, warmth, romance and connection.
Facing the external stressors of money, the economy, work, grandparents and in-laws and community.
The division of domestic chores and parenting.
How to navigate moving through the seasons of the relationship, children, and ageing.
...and so much more.
Growing up in your family is like watching the same movie over and over, every day for 18+ years, so it's going to influence you in ways you're aware of, but in many subconscious ways too.
As experienced psychodynamic therapists, both Sarah and I know that your family influenced you and is likely playing a significant role in your current relationships and their challenges.
That's why we always like to explore your family upbringing as part of couples therapy as well as individual therapy when you're having relationship challenges.
You may be wondering, what does my upbringing have to do with the fact that my partner is forgetful and leaves all the chores to me?
Well, perhaps your rage around that is that you never wanted to be in the same position as your mother.
Perhaps you feel your partner drowns you in domestic chores and stifles your chances at showing up fully at work, in a similar way one of your parents never showed interest in your talents at school or university?
Perhaps your partner's forgetfulness causes you immense stress at the additional labour on you and you're not able to be the parent you vowed to be, so different from your own, and that is devastating to you.
Perhaps you struggled with control and exerting autonomy, and that has a long history to it in your life.
You see, there are many layers and possibly links that get to the root cause of exacerbating factors to your current distress.
Reflection questions
As a starting point, I'd like to share with you a few reflection questions I often ask my couples clients to get you thinking about how your own family of origin may be showing up in your current relationship, which you could reflect on today or discuss with your partner:
What parts of your life/experiences before you met each other may impact how you show up in your relationship now?
Have you had any of the challenges you have in your relationship in other relationships such as family/friends/co-worker relationships? This includes similar feelings, needs, expectations, reactions and disappointments.
What needs did you feel were not fully met as a child, and do you feel that same way in your relationship now?
When your needs aren't met in other areas of life, how do you react to them?
How similar or different is that from how you react when your needs aren't met by your romantic partner?
What is the vision of relationships you had growing up, and how similar or different is your current relationship from that?
Does your partner remind you in any way of your mother or father?
Does how you show up in this relationship remind you in any way of your mother or father?
Access a deeper understanding of your relationships through counselling
Every person brings a lifetime of experience, hurt, trauma, beliefs and ways of coping to their relationship.
Every person brings both good and bad influences from their family and upbringing, and we can't ignore them, but it can be so hard to see them when they are so close to us, so ingrained in our fibre, we have never stepped back to see it clearly.
We are embedded with our family stories, beliefs, rituals and ways of doing things that are often so subconscious for us, we don't even know it, until you crash into someone who does things differently, causing conflict.
Your relationship is like two different people coming together with a lifetime of experiences, hurt, expectations, needs and wants. It's like trying your best to complete a puzzle with two very different puzzle pieces.
As therapists, we help you refine the sides of your puzzle pieces to fit better together from a place of deeply understanding the root causes of your tension, not just resolving the 'who should take out the trash?' argument.
That's just the tip of the iceberg, the starting point for self-inquiry, and both Sarah and I pride ourselves on working way harder than just talking about household chores or supporting you on a superficial level.
We are both deeply interested and investing in guiding you to understand yourself in a relationship, and the history of your life that is showing up in present-day arguments and tensions with your partner.
If you'd like support in your relationship with communication, Sarah and I warmly invite you to start supportive and insightful couples counselling with us here.
Has this brought up some stuff for you?
This may have brought up some reflections for you, whether you're in a relationship or not, or you may notice that you're having difficulties in other relationships, such as with friends, your parents, siblings, co-workers or in your community.
Your family of origin influences ALL relationships and how you show up, so we'd love to support you with individual counselling too so you can strengthen all relationships in your life.
Testimonials
If you're not sure what it's like to work with us or how couples counselling works, read my couples counselling testimonials here, which were often written by the most hesitant husbands who were dragged to therapy aka James's journey.
Any questions? Let's talk it through.
Warmest, Gabriella
Ps. Sarah and I are sex-positive and open therapists for all couple dynamics and those at all stages of relationships, whether you're in your first few months, or decades into your relationship. This includes separating or separated couples, blended families, single parents and co-parents. We also warm-heartedly welcome LGBTIQA+ and open/poly couples.
