How to fight fairly as a couple | Fighting Fair Guide
I've been a couples therapist for years now, and it's some of my favourite work.
Lately, I've noticed many of my couples and been fighting in our sessions, a lot, and you might think this is a bad thing.
At the end of the session, much to the surprise of my clients, I said that I was PROUD of them for fighting all session.
Why?
Because they were fighting fairly, with heart, courage and in an entirely new way than when they started counselling with me.
It's ok to fight, it's normal.
However, there are ways to fight that actually mean you hear your partner and are heard in return, and we don't typically do this very well when left to our own devices.
Trying to resolve something when you're dysregulated and want to fight or when one person is in flight mode and is heading for the hills, isn't going to resolve anything.
Fighting by yelling louder or repeating the same thing you've said 100 times, isn't going to solve anything.
Fighting by mud-slinging or playing tit-for-tat isn't going to solve anything.
Opening up 10 different issues at a time or issues from years ago isn't going to solve anything.
But there is a way to fight fairly that helps you actually resolve the issue.
How to fight fairly
As a trained Gottman Therapist with a holistic background in many approaches to counselling, I confidently provide some structure around how to fight.
I guide my couples to talk about one topic at a time, slowing down the process, so that we actually resolve the issue, rather than just opening up endless topics and getting nowhere and just feeling overwhelmed.
I guide my clients to notice when they're dysregulated and in fight or flight mode, and how to work with this to settle their nervous system that is feeling scared, confused or helpless. Once regulated, come back to fight, and hopefully, it's a more pleasant discussion by then.
For those partners who tend to do all the talking, I guide them to settling and listening and managing their frustration.
For those partners who tend to run, shut down or freeze, I guide them back to presence and being able to articulate what is happening for them.
For those partners who aren't good at standing up for themselves, and fighting for what they believe is right, I build their courage to 'stay in the fight' even when they use to tap out so quickly.
I help my clients get curious about 'what are you really fighting about?', as in: What's underneath the little issues you're bickering about? Because it's not the trash or the way you cooked dinner wrong.
And for all relationships, I always try to 'zoom out' and see the bigger picture of their dynamic, which will play out thousands of times over little or new issues but really is the same underlying dynamic at heart.
I encourage all my clients to take the arguments slowly, to do it better and to actually work towards resolving and concluding the argument.
And so when I see my treasured couples doing this in my sessions in front of me, I step back and let them fight it out, fairly, with so much pride, and then congratulate them for fighting so well.
If you've been struggling in your relationship communication, I wanted to share with you an excellent starting resource for you and your partner:
>> Fair Fighting Rules.<<
In fact, many of my couples have this printed out on their fridge!
Couples Counselling
So go on, fight, but fight fairly.
Every person brings a lifetime of experience, hurt, trauma, beliefs and ways of coping to their relationship, so it's a unique dynamic with two puzzle pieces that we need to refine so that you two fit better together.
If you'd like support with communication in your relationship, start supportive and relatable couples counselling with Sarah Dwyer or myself here.
Testimonials
Read my couples counselling testimonials here, which were often written by the most hesitant husbands who were dragged to their sessions.
Here's one I received yesterday that Inspired me to write this blog. This couple worked with me in the past to learn their skills, took a break and came back for a 'tune-up' session when they noticed they were fighting again so we re-capped the strategies and re-focused their energy on fighting fairly. (*shared with permission, of course*)
Don't wait until you're at the breaking point
We'd love to support you before you get to a crisis point so you can communicate fairly, forever.
The number one challenge we as therapists experience is that couples wait until they're at a crisis point to start counselling, and it's much more difficult to work on your relationship when you've had years of resentment and hopelessness.
Save all the time from fights that aren't going anywhere and re-invest that back into positive experiences and quality time with your loved one.
You've done the hard work of finding someone you love, let us show you the teachable skills that will deepen your bond and strengthen your skills.
Any questions? Let's talk it through.
Warmest,
Gabriella
Ps. Sarah and I are sex-positive and open therapists for all couple dynamics and all stages of relationships, whether you're in your first few months, or decades into your relationship. This includes separating or separated couples, blended families and co-parents. We also warm-heartedly welcome LGBTIQA+ and open/poly couples.
