6 Common communication mistakes couples make
As a couple’s therapist, I’ve seen these 6 common communication mistakes time and time again.
So let me help you, I’ve put together swaps for how you can communicate more clearly to your partner.
STOP MAKING ASSUMPTIONS AND GET GENUINELY CURIOUS INSTEAD
Stop telling your partner how they feel, what their intentions were or assuming you know how they’re going to react. Give your partner the respect to answer their own questions from their own truth, using their own words. Test your assumptions and give them space to react how they are going to, rather than assuming you know how they will.
STOP STONEWALLING & SHUTTING DOWN AND SELF SOOTHE & COME BACK TO THE DISCUSSION INSTEAD
We all need a little time to process things, sometimes. It’s good to walk away and take a breather, but stonewalling is purposely and intentionally staying shut down for hours and hours, days or weeks. It’s giving someone the silent treatment and icing them out. You may still feel triggered or hurt and want to hide. But extended stonewalling is absolutely unfair in your partner, and it’s ruining your day too. Take time to intentionally want to switch your mood, self-soothe to bring your back to yourself, and get back into the conversation as quick as possible.
STOP YELLING AND EXPRESS THE EMOTION UNDERNEATH YOUR ANGER INSTEAD
Literally, no one wants to be yelled at. It causes your partner to shut down, get defensive and arch up back at you. Anger is protecting you from something else you’re feeling, and it puts you in attack mode. It may feel good to express it, but it doesn’t help to start good conversations. Take a deep breath, self-soothe and get curious within yourself. What are you really feeling under the anger (Disappointment, loneliness, rejection etc) and communicate THAT calmly.
STOP ONLY FOCUSING ON THE NEGATIVE AND WHATS LACKING AND ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT IN THE POSITIVE INSTEAD
Would you ever go to a cafe and tell the a waiter what you don’t want? Nope! We do this in relationships too- and we expect our partner to know what we are really asking, but often they don’t. Instead of saying “You’re never around when I need you for the kids!” It’s better to say “5pm is the most stressful time for me, can you do a/b/c to help me?”. Instead of saying “You only kiss me when you want s*xs”, it’s better to say “I want you to make out with me at random times throughout the day for no reason.” Be clear, know what you want and ask for it in the positive.
STOP INSISTING YOU FINISH THE ARGUMENT RIGHT NOW AND COME BACK WHEN YOURE BOTH SELF-SOOTHED
You may be ready to talk, but if your partner is shut down and not able to hear you or respond, it’s not going to help. Check in if they can hear you out when you’re ready, and give them time to process and come back. Some conversations will take a long time to compete, but it’s better to tolerate your impatience and have the conversation in a healthy way than rush it, make it clunky, or force someone who isn’t ready to talk to you. It’s ok if conversations are a bit like playing “tag team” and you take turns when you’re ready to engage.
STOP BLAMING YOUR PARTNER FOR EVERYTHING | TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR ROLE IN IT
I know you’re going to hate me for this one. About constantly criticising your partner and blaming all the problems on them is just unhelpful to both of you. No parter wants to be blamed for EVERYTHING and who wants to think they have a partner who is totally ruining EVERYTHING? We are little interrelated planets, and you have to consider if you’re triggering them or what your role is in their dynamic. Example: Your parter hides info form you, but it’s actually because they’re is scared of you and your reaction. And i’d they are horrible partners and they’re dragging everything down- You have to have a long hard look in the mirror as to your reasons for staying.
As a couples therapist, take my advice and try this instead:
Two people can be right and two people can be wrong. Both your experiences are valid. Focus on the consequence/ impact of the behaviour and communicate that.
Get curious. Ask and check why they are saying/doing that. Don’t assume. People change all the time. Half the time they’re doing it because they have an assumption about you. Be curious, not critical.
When expressing you’re upset, focus not on what they did, but your feelings and uncomfortable experience of it. When defending your actions, get curious about the emotional impact of what you’re defending on your partner.
Less criticism, more requests for your needs to be met. Most people don’t know what their needs are, they just criticise their partner for making them feel something they don’t want to feel. What is your need?
Fight to resolve issues, not for the sake of fighting.
Start couples counselling when you’re good, seriously.
When you’re fighting with your partner, don’t fight at the superficial top level. Go deeper into the emotions, experiences and needs you have underneath it. It’s an opportunity for personal growth that I invite you to value.
Warmly,
Gabriella