How to wisely accept the parts of you that you don’t like.
If you have parts of you that you don't like, want to get rid of, or think are bad or unlovable, this message is for you.
Perhaps it's your anxiety, angry outbursts, intense panic attacks, annoying people-pleasing, embarrassing jealous streak, or struggles to put down the vino.
These are parts of you that are deemed wrong, or unhelpful or that make you a bad person.
I want you to know, that these parts are actually very wise, and are always ATTEMPTING to help you- to either soothe you or fight away a threat.
Let's look at some examples:
A glass of vino (or four) is trying to soothe you from Mummy overwhelm, the stress of the day, or incessant busy thoughts.
Anger is helping you to fight away a threat. If you had to fight for yourself, you need anger to strengthen (and numb) your muscles so you can throw a punch or two or tell someone to BACK OFF! (Even though we tend to suppress these urges and boil and seethe internally)
Panic is often a response to particular emotions or fears that you currently do not have the resources or capacity to 'be with.' So panic arises to protect you from the (often sub-conscious) threat, and gives you a bodily distraction from the fears. Panic is a part of you that doesn't trust you to cope with what it is trying to protect and distract you from.
Jealousy helps to fight off threats to the sacred relationship that you value so much. It helps keep an exclusive bond between you and your partner.
People-pleasing keeps you in connection with people, avoiding rejection, abandonment or conflict, which are experiences you do not want to have.
We have all of these capabilities naturally within us because we need them all at different times, we really do.
Our body is wise and needs jealousy, anger, anxiety, panic and many more bodily experiences to help us survive in this human life and keep us safe.
So yes, while many times anger, anxiety and jealousy are MORE present than need be, aka you get anxious over an email, not a sabre-tooth tiger or a creepy person following you, they are still attempting to perform protective functions.
So how do we work with these parts?
There is nothing wrong with wanting to get rid of these parts. We can still work to lessen these parts of you that are overacting or have become unhelpful and too hypervigilant, but in a different way than you might expect.
Instead of trying to stop them using control, it's important to understand what they are trying to do, why, and perhaps how they came to be needed in your system.
They are not easily removed simply with mind control or force, because they actually want to be there for you. They THINK they are helpful and that you need them around, on guard, vigilant and ready to act.
These parts of you believe they are helping you by keeping you safe and soothed, and we can thank them for that, rather than douse them in criticism and rejection.
It is often in the ACCEPTING and ALLOWING and APPRECIATION of these parts that get them to soften, melt, dissipate and step to the side, so other parts of you can step forward.
I know, weird, right?
They don't leave our system when you lament, criticise, judge or feel shame about them. They don't leave simply because you try to hide them or push them down. I'm sure you've tried that, and those parts of you still come back the next day, right?
So try this with me instead.
Call to mind a part of you that you don't like about yourself and notice how it shows up in your body, physically.
Then, we bring forward another part of you, your higher, observing Self.
This higher self is the part of you that can notice the unwanted parts of you, the part of you reading this email and that is interested in this exercise.
The higher self can be curious, observing and able to notice the part you don't like.
Then, from the higher self, send some love and compassion and slow deep breaths to the parts of you that you don't like (Anger/anxiety/jealousy/panic)
Say to it:
'I don't quite understand you yet, and I don't quite know what you're trying to do, and I now know that exploration is important. So until then, and until I have other skills to cope with what you are trying to help me cope with, you can stay here with me. Yes, you can stay.
You can be here until I understand you. For right now, I'm going to send you some love, compassion and curiosity because you've been fighting hard to help me, and I haven't always been able to see that.
You've been fighting to protect me and soothe me, and I appreciate your efforts. Perhaps you are exhausted, and so you need some support too.
You've been keeping me distracted or protected from thoughts, fears and memories that are too scary to sit with. You've been keeping me going through a lot of hard things, and for that, I thank you and your efforts."
Take a few more deep breaths, and repeat those phrases again.
Breathe in patience and curiosity about that unwanted part.
Breathe out kindness and acceptance to that unwanted part.
Breathe in space and time and openness to that unwanted part.
Breathe out gratitude and compassion for that unwanted part.
Notice what happens in your body?
While we aren't trying to get rid of that part today, we are just sending it love, curiosity and patience, often, you will find that this actually does bring great relief.
This is because it allows that unwanted part of you to soften, settle and feel like it is being acknowledged for all of its efforts to help you, even though it might 'get it wrong' in how it goes about that. Its a little misguided and a little over-active, but it DOES want the best for you and has been fighting so hard to protect you.
It is probably, underneath it all, a hurting, scared, misunderstood, worried, alone part of you, perhaps a younger part of you that has been trying to protect you for many years. It is often your lost Inner Child.
Explore your 'Inner parts' further
I'll leave it there for today, thank you for exploring this exercise with me.
If this speaks to you and want to explore further:
Explore working with my team of contemporary therapists or myself from this perspective (Internal Family Systems Therapy).
Join an upcoming Women's Cave event where 'parts work' will be creatively incorporated into the class so that you can start to see all of the parts of you and how they interact with each other subtly.
Connect to your inner child today, read this beautiful letter written by Patricia William and acknowledge love and honour their efforts, journey and resilience here.
Any questions or reflections? I'd love to hear from you.
Write to me at hello@gabriellademori.com
With love and respect to ALL of your parts,
Gabriella
